Crystalline
by Fantastical Chaos
Summary: What we had was sweet, perfect, and addicting. I didn't want to break away, but I had to if I was to save my life. One-shot.


**Author's Note: Hello, Beautiful People!**

 **I just want to say that this one-shot contains multiple elements that are new territory for me, so I apologize in advance for any aspect of the story that seems unnatural and/or forced. Constructive criticism and advice to help me improve are greatly appreciated. Read on!**

 **\- Fantastical**

 **Disclaimer: I in no way, shape, or form own Vocaloid. Each character used belongs to the respective company that produced him/her; I merely borrowed them for non-profit entertainment purposes. The Gumi English song "Crystalline," the inspiration for this fanfic, belongs to producers Circus-P and Crusher-P. Please support and give credit to them. However, I do claim ownership to the cover art and words below. Please enjoy.**

* * *

It had been hours since the body beside her took up a slow, rhythmic breathing pattern, yet Gumi could feel her own heart racing inside of her small framed chest. She held her breath in a vain attempt to hide her panting. Now was the time. If she didn't leave at this moment, she would be forever trapped in this burning world.

Many times she slipped from under the sheets to use the bathroom or to get a glass of water, and never once had leaving the bed been an issue. Except this time simply pulling back the covers was threatening. Sitting upright intensified the chest crushing anxiety. The feel of soft carpet under her feet was a crime Gumi could not be caught committing. As if to escape a demon chasing after her, Gumi stood up and fled from the bedroom.

Locking herself in the bathroom, Gumi observed herself in the mirror. Tangled, unkempt forest green hair, wide and wild clover eyes, and cheeks red and cold and sweaty from the building fear. No time to wash up or fix her hair. By the time her lover awoke, she needed to be long gone.

Gumi pulled an oversized pair of light blue jeans and a small black T-shirt from the dirty hamper, changed from her pajamas into the ripe clothes, and snuck out of the room in order to descend down the stairs. The luggage was kept inside the closet under the stairs - nobody ever looked there - and attached to it was a single key Gumi had made years ago but never used. Bags and key in hand, Gumi was three steps out the door before she stopped, fingers just grazing the doorknob. She changed her mind, but not about leaving. She changed her mind about leaving without a word.

Her heart rammed against her ribcage as Gumi stalked to the kitchen, picked up a pen, and wrote her final goodbye on the notepad hung on the fridge for preparing a grocery list. Five words. That's all Gumi wrote; it was all that she needed.

The mission accomplished, the greenette walked out of the home, locked the door as quietly as possible, and ran from the building. Inside slept a monster, and she had no plans to be there when it woke up. Never again would she be victimized, yet the thought broke her far more than it relieved her.

For how long she ran, Gumi didn't know. All she was aware of was how far and how fast she had to go. The further, the better; the quicker the distance covered, the better off she would be. By the time she could run no longer, Gumi found herself across town. She had to go further.

Despite how tired she was, Gumi burst into the bus station and ordered a ticket for the next one to depart. Had it not been for this same bus not leaving for another hour, Gumi would have boarded it without hesitation. With nothing left to do but wait, Gumi allowed her racing heart to slow. Her throat burned for water, and her stomach ached for food. She was too sick to eat, but she at least had to try.

Running her fingers through her messy hair, Gumi crossed the street to the open diner next door. Even if the monster was awake now, odds were against it knowing to find Gumi at this exact location. However, as much as Gumi tried to convince herself of this fact, so much of her refused to believe it.

As if on autopilot, Gumi sat at a booth, ordered, and waited with a mug of hot black coffee in front of her. "It's just an hour," she told herself. "You can survive an hour." Doubting her own words, Gumi sighed, and the weight of her problems rolled off with the exhale only to cling onto her and roll back on as she breathed in.

"Are you all right?"

Gumi froze, her spine becoming iron. The voice came from behind. It sounded as if it meant to speak to Gumi. _Maybe if I don't answer, it will go away._

"Are you all right?" the voice repeated. "You sound like you're exhausted, and based on the luggage you carried in here, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you're running away."

"You noticed me?" Gumi asked. She tried to remember who was in the diner so she could figure out who sat directly behind her, but her mind came up blank. In her panicked state, Gumi failed to notice if anyone other than herself and the employees were inside the restaurant.

"Kinda hard when you have the literal walking dead come in here trailing behind it a suitcase with a broken wheel."

"I'm sorry," was all Gumi could think to say.

"It's okay. We all have really bad nights, but yours has to be awful if you're leaving in such a state. What happened?"

"Why would I tell you? You're a stranger."

"Exactly," the voice answered. "I don't know you, and you don't know me. Odds are we will never see each other again, so why not talk? It'll make you feel better to get everything off your chest, and you won't have to worry about telling someone you see all the time who will judge you for whatever it is you're going through. What do you have to lose?"

Gumi bit her lower lip. So badly she wanted to pour her soul out. Her emotions - fear, sadness, desperation for comfort - were so strong that she couldn't deny the temptation of the stranger's offer. The person sitting behind Gumi was right: What did the greenette have to lose?

"It all started in my junior year of high school," Gumi began, surprised at herself for starting the story at such an early point. "After years of questioning who I am, I decided that I'm a lesbian. I thought I would be happy once I told everyone. Only it turned out to be a big mistake when I came out, though."

 _Gumi, pushing her glasses further up the bridge of her nose, swallowed down her shame and embarrassment as she stared at the pink spray paint covering her locker. Based on the variety of spray oriented penmanship, more than one person took part in painting insults Gumi dare not read again on her full body locker. She had no idea who the culprits could be nor knew how to narrow the choices down. It could have been anyone, even her supposed friends._

 _Again swallowing in an attempt to push down the growing lump in her throat, Gumi spun the combination, took out the textbooks she needed, and slammed the locker door shut._ It won't last forever, _she told herself._ Everyone will get bored with me, someone else will say or do something that will circulate the whole school, and then they will all forget about me. It's only a matter of time.

 _"I guess I shouldn't be surprised, given the way she dresses," Gumi heard a familiar voice say._

 _The greenette stopped in her tracks and looked through the cracked open classroom door. It was Lily speaking, the girl Gumi previously thought of as her best friend._

 _"I mean, she dresses like a Catholic school girl," Lily said as she studied her nails._

 _The comment cause Gumi to look down at herself. A button up white top, a blue plaid skirt, knee-high socks - Lily was right. Fingers trembling, Gumi pulled the collar of her shirt away from her neck. The clothes were mostly hand-me-downs from her older cousin, but even so Gumi had to be honest with herself and admit that she liked the private school style._

 _"Plus, she never seemed interested in any boys," Lily went on to say. She was surrounded by a flock of girls, two of which Gumi recognized as her other faux friends - Miki and Iroha._

 _"Yeah, she even turned down Piko Utatane," Miki said in that nasally way of hers, causing the knife of betrayal to sink further into Gumi's heart. "Freaking Piko Utatane, girls. Who in their right mind would turn such a hottie down?"_

 _"I thought you wanted him for yourself," Iroha said, eyes narrowed at Miki._

 _Waving a hand as if the statement held no importance, Miki simply replied, "I should've known Gumi was gay the instant I heard she refused to go out with him."_

 _"Or when she asked to borrow my pink bra with the black lace," Lily added. "I thought she wanted to use it for a certain event, if you know what I mean, but now I shiver to think what she actually used it for."_

 _As laughter rang inside the classroom, Gumi, face burning hot, walked away. She couldn't bear to listen in anymore. Her eyes stung from the tears she kept blinking back. Everyone she had once called her friend deserted her, and as if that wasn't enough, they now began to mock her._

 _That day at lunch, Gumi sat in the corner of the room. She tried to keep her focus on her turkey sandwich, but the rude comments made by passersby would not leave her in peace._

 _"Look at that, Gumi's sitting next to the trashcan. Just where she belongs."_

 _"You know, she does look like a lesbian."_

 _"Now that I think about it, Gumi always did stare at Lily a little too long, especially at the pool."_

 _Gumi felt her cheeks and ears burn at the last comment. She wouldn't have claimed to be attracted to her former best friend, but even she couldn't deny that Lily was extremely attractive. Sometimes Gumi wondered why the blonde chose her as a best friend of all people when she clearly could have done so much better in the friend department. Not that it mattered now; any real best friend would have stayed by Gumi's side._

 _"Hey, Gumi?"_

 _Said girl looked up to see a familiar face staring at her. It was IA, the last person Gumi wanted to see. Without waiting for a response, IA sat across from her and asked, "Are you okay?"_

 _"Why do you care?" Gumi spoke with more malice than intended, but she went along with the tone anyway. "Don't you have some other sinner to preach at?"_

 _Almost instantly, IA's hand flew to the cross sitting on top of her chest. The way she tugged at the necklace implied that this action was subconscious and truly nothing more than a nervous habit. "I only want to make sure you're all right," IA said. "You look lonely over here all by yourself. How are you holding up?"_

 _"Don't talk to me like we're friends," Gumi replied, her grip on her sandwich tightening to the point her fingers broke holes into the sliced bread._

 _"We can be," IA offered quietly._

 _"You want to change me." Gumi slammed down her mangled meal. "You don't want to be my friend; you want me to be your project. You're going to try to fix me like I'm something broken."_

 _IA continued to tug at her cross necklace. "Gumi, you're not giving me a chance to explain."_

 _"Oh?" Gumi leant forward and bared her teeth. "So you're totally cool with me being a homo?"_

 _"I don't support that lifestyle, but-"_

 _"That's all I need to hear." Gumi shook her head. "Get away from me."_

 _"Gumi." IA sighed. She opened her mouth to say something else, but instead her eyes widened as she cried out. "Stop!"_

 _Before she could process why IA would shout such a thing, thick, unpleasant smelling liquid poured onto Gumi's head and ran over her shoulders and under her clothes. The stench filled her nostrils, the wetness started to turn into stickiness on her clothes and glasses, and tears began to form in her eyes before Gumi fully understood what had happened. Laughter rang behind her, in front of her, and all around her._

 _"Kyo!" IA slammed her palms flat against the table and shot to her feet. She marched towards the boy who stood behind Gumi, milk carton in hand, and laughed with all of his teeth showing. Punching Kyo in the shoulder, IA snapped, "What's wrong with you?! Why would you do that?!"_

 _"Me?" Kyo, who stood a head taller than IA, bent down and furrowed his brows. "You're the one talking to a lesbian, Aria. What are you doing, sitting with someone like her? Don't you have any idea how this is going to look? What if somebody talks? Pastor Tonio won't let you go on the Brazil mission trip you've been anticipating all year if he hears about this!"_

 _"That's not what's important!" IA stomped on the ground and huffed. She turned to Gumi to find tears now rolling down her milk drenched cheeks. "I am so, so sorry," IA began._

 _Without a word, Gumi jumped to her feet and fled the scene. The words IA shouted after her were ignored. All on the greenette's mind was escape, escape from everything. Having nowhere else to go, Gumi ran into the girls bathroom, locked herself inside a stall, and spent the rest of the school day crying._

"I dropped out a week after that," Gumi told the stranger. "I couldn't show my face there again. Now you know that it actually is impossible to die from embarrassment, something I found to be disappointing."

"I'm sorry," the speaker replied. "You must have had it really bad if this is only the beginning."

Despite her companion not being able to see, Gumi shrugged. "It could have been much, much worse. My mom could have disowned me, but she supported my decision. She even helped me finish my junior and senior years in virtual school. Sure it was lonely - I don't have any brothers or sisters - but it was peaceful."

"Just one question," the speaker began. "You refer to being homosexual as if it was a decision you made. Why?"

Gumi shrugged again. "I believe it's a choice. Sexuality, that is. My dad used to beat me and my mom when I was little, and he left us to fend for ourselves. My mom's brothers were no better. One got really drunk one night when he was supposed to be watching me despite I was thirteen at the time and didn't need a babysitter. He tried to rape me, but mom came home in time to prevent the worst from happening.

"I guess that's why I believe I chose to be gay. Girls don't act like that. They don't do things like that. Okay, sure, there are exceptions, but for the most part it seemed to be the best choice to make. Not to mention girls do have way better bodies than men. We women are a work of art, if I do say so myself."

The person sitting behind Gumi laughed. "Agreed."

"I don't regret my decision and still stand by my choice," Gumi said. "However, it was what started the events that lead me here tonight."

"What happened?"

Sighing, Gumi smiled. "I fell in love."

 _The more she wandered around the student center, the more Gumi regretted going away for college. As much as a huge chunk of her wished she had chosen to live at home with her mom and go to a nearby community college, Gumi knew she couldn't let her scholarship go to waste._ Besides, _she kept telling herself,_ this would be the perfect opportunity to make friends.

 _When the stomach twisting anxiety grew to be too much, Gumi sat at an empty table and forced out a tight breath. Her pulse fast and strong, Gumi searched for something, anything comforting. Eyes stopping at a pile of jigsaw puzzles, Gumi almost wept with relief. Puzzles were familiar, and familiar was safe. However, a group of young adults, all who had to be older than she gathered around them._

 _Gumi stretched out her fingers, longing to touch the small, colorful pieces and put them together. If she could lose herself for even an hour, perhaps the gripping fear would begin to loosen its hold on her. Gathering every ounce of courage she could muster, Gumi left her seat and approached the laughing group._

 _Heart hammering, Gumi stopped beside the table and asked, "May I?"_

 _"What?" A boy turned around and looked at Gumi. He had shaggy pink hair and a freshly shaved face. Gumi estimated his age to be roughly nineteen, only a year older than her, but she still felt like a little girl as she spoke to him._

 _"May I?" Gumi repeated, now pointing her finger at a stray box of puzzle pieces._

 _"Huh? Oh!" The boy's lime green orbs lit up with understanding. "Yeah, knock yourself out." Gumi attempted to leave without another word, but the boy stopped her with, "I'm Yuma."_

 _"Gumi," said girl replied softly as she avoided further eye contact._

 _"You like puzzles?"_

 _"Love them."_

 _"Then you'll fit right in." Yuma grinned. "We're kind of a club, but you feel free to join us whenever. Cool?"_

 _Nodding but not responding, Gumi sat at the furthest end of the table and dumped the five hundred pieces from the box. Setting the top upright so that she could see the picture - a garden with green bushes and pink, purple, and white flowers - Gumi began to sort out the end parts to link together. Soon the chatter of the crowds died away, and it was simply Gumi and the jigsaw puzzle before her._

 _As she began to fill out the bottom of the picture, another hand joined hers in connecting the pieces. Sharp breath sucked in, Gumi turned her attention to the new person next to her. It was a woman, most possibly in her early twenties, with thick, luscious green hair that made Gumi's look thin and pale in comparison. The woman dressed herself in black leggings and a cream crop sweater, applied her makeup to perfection, and sat and put the puzzle together with grace._

 _"I'm Sonika," she introduced herself without looking up, as if this was natural._

 _"Gumi," the smaller girl replied._

 _Sonika smiled. "I know. Yuma pointed you out the moment I got here. You're putting together my favorite puzzle."_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _"Don't apologize. I've put this one together millions of times; it's good for somebody new to try it. I've never seen you before. Are you new?"_

 _Gumi nodded. "This is my first semester."_

 _"Then I guess I should welcome you to college." Sonika placed a chunk of connected pieces in the upper corner of the puzzle. "I'm a junior, and I'm majoring in business. I want to own a clothing store one day. How about you?"_

 _"I'm majoring in English," Gumi said, feeling like an idiot to admit the major so many people told her was worthless. "I want to be a journalist."_

 _"Sounds awesome," Sonika said, and her kind tone implied that she meant it._

 _Not sure what to say, Gumi continued to put the pieces together, only now her attention was divided. As much as she tried to look away, Gumi couldn't help but appreciate Sonika's beauty. She thought her stolen glances went unnoticed, but the hope was crushed when Sonika spoke._

 _"You like what you see?"_

 _"I'm sorry."_

 _"Stop apologizing." Sonika laughed, but not in a way that suggested she was mocking Gumi. Making eye contact with the quiet girl for the first time, Sonika said, "It's okay, I like my view, too."_

"We spent a lot of time together," Gumi said. "Sonika was so kind and helpful. It wasn't long before she asked me to hang out with her outside of the little club. Of course I was over the moon about it, but I tried so hard not to let her know how much her approval meant to me."

"You didn't want her to think you were some clingy, foolish child, right?" her companion asked.

"Exactly," Gumi answered. "Sonika did a lot to improve me. She talked me into ditching my glasses in favor of contacts, helped me shop and pick out fashionable clothes, and pushed me to be more social. I left everything I used to be behind because I so badly wanted to please her, and she made me a better version of who I was."

"This Sonika was definitely a strong influence in shaping who you've become, wasn't she?"

Gumi smiled as she tugged on the sleeve of the jean jacket she grabbed before slipping out the door. "The strongest influence I've ever had in my life. Naturally none of these changes happened overnight, but our entire relationship did have such a sudden shift."

 _End of freshman year. It felt so surreal. Somehow Gumi managed to survive her first year of college, make amazing friends, and get to spend almost all her time with the supermodel of a girl Gumi wished she'd stop having feelings for._ If Sonika knew how much I liked her, she would want nothing to do with me ever again.

 _"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Gumi asked as she pulled the at hem of her black miniskirt. Ecstatic was the first emotion to run through Gumi when Sonika invited the younger girl to come home with her and stay for the first week of summer break. Dread, fear, and anxiety now plagued Gumi as she sat in the passenger seat of Sonika's convertible outside of the Welcome Home party Sonika's friends and family threw for her as they did the year before and the year before that._

 _"Of course I'm sure." Sonika grinned. Unlike her pretty, magazine worthy smile she shared with almost everyone, Sonika's grin implied mischief and humor. Gumi held a secret pride in knowing that Sonika grinned for no one but her. "You look hot, in case that's what you're worrying about. If it's my parents' disapproval of me inviting one of my best friends to my Welcome Home party, I talked to them on the phone this morning. Gumi, they are totally cool with meeting you, that's why you're spending the week with me, remember?"_

 _"But what about your friends?" Gumi whispered._

 _Sonika wrapped her fingers around Gumi's exposed shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "They're going to love you."_

That's not what I meant. _Gumi bit back a sigh. It was one thing to be Sonika's college best friend, but Gumi couldn't bear the thought of all of that vanishing when Sonika was reunited with her at-home best friends. As much as she tried to convince herself otherwise, Gumi feared that the week would be spent as an unwanted third wheel._ Worst yet, Sonika could even regret inviting me in the first place. . . .

 _"What's the matter?" Sonika asked when she noticed Gumi shaking in her seat. "Hey, what do you want me to do?"_

 _"Huh?" Mouth agape, Gumi looked Sonika full on in the face and saw the sincerity in the older girl's eyes._

 _"I want you to stay," Sonika said. "I want you to stay so badly that I'll do anything you want. Name it, and it's yours. Just don't leave, okay?"_

 _Taking a deep breath, Gumi turned the words over inside her head. She knew without thinking what she wanted, but she feared to say it aloud. "Can I take a raincheck on that?" she finally said._

 _Sonika laughed. "Sure thing. Now c'mon, we can't keep everybody waiting for too long."_

 _It was all Gumi could do to steel herself as she left the vehicle and, Sonika by her side, approached the front door of the large, elegant house. Gumi swallowed. She grew up eating ninety-seven cent dinners and having hand-me-downs as new clothes, yet all Sonika had to do was ask for something and it was hers. Not only did their personalities completely differ, but so did their upbringing._

 _"Mommy! Daddy!" Sonika sang as she ran into the arms of the couple who opened the front door._

 _"There's our beautiful girl," the man said as he stroked his daughter's hair. "I can't believe it: one more year and you'll have your business degree!"_

 _"Ugh, don't remind me," Sonika said as she broke the hug. "College is great! Well, not during finals week and dealing with the stress of wondering if you're ever going to pass your classes, but even that's so much better than the real world."_

 _"Well your father and I will be certain to throw you a fantastic graduation party that should help make up for it," the woman replied, smile on her face. Eyes landing on Gumi, the woman questioned, "Is this your little friend?"_

 _Spinning around, Sonika approached Gumi, grabbed her by the wrist, and dragged her friend to the door. "Mom, Dad, this is my best friend Gumi. Gumi, these are my parents."_

 _"Sonika has told us so much about you," Sonika's mom said, extending her hand._

 _Gumi cautiously accepted it, as if simply touching the woman would give her reason to not allow Gumi in the house. "It's a pleasure to meet you."_

 _"Why don't you come inside and make yourself at home?" the man offered. "Sonika, all of your other friends are here, and they are buzzing with anticipation to see you."_

 _"Then let's not keep them waiting." As she had not yet released Gumi's wrist, Sonika pulled her along as she told Gumi, "My friends are going to love you, and you'll love them, too. Just you wait and see."_

 _Everything from that point on was fuzzy in Gumi's memory. All she remembered was seeing faces that all blended together and hearing names that didn't stick. As expected, Sonika melted into the reunion with her old friends. It was almost as if she had even forgotten that Gumi was there with how she focused intently on people who have been a big part of her life for so long and recounted old times with a large smile plastered on her face._

 _Sick of feeling so alone despite being surrounded by more people than she was used to, Gumi snuck away and wandered into the kitchen. To her surprise, it was empty. Neither of Sonika's parents were checking on refreshments. No couples were making out by the sink. Gumi took a deep breath. Perhaps things like this separated college parties from high school ones. That, and the insane amounts of alcohol now that most party attendees were of legal age._

 _Gumi sat on the counter and swirled her grape soda around in its plastic cup. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, waiting to fall. "I should never have agreed to this," Gumi whispered._

 _"I wondered where you ran off to."_

 _Surprised, Gumi snapped her head up to find Sonika standing in the doorway. "I thought I'd leave you with your friends," Gumi said._

 _"But you are my friend," Sonika argued as she approached the younger girl._

 _"You know what I meant." Gumi turned her attention to her lap._ I can't fight it anymore. I'm going to cry.

 _"Hey, Gumi." Sonika placed each hand beside Gumi's bare legs and leaned close. "I told you I would do anything you wanted if you would stay, and I meant it. So tell me, what do I have to do to convince you to not back out on me now?"_

 _"Kiss me." The words were out before Gumi knew her mouth was open. Her heart stopped the instant her words passed her lips. In just two words, she ruined the relationship she had with Sonika. Never again would the kind, beautiful woman grace Gumi with her company._

 _"Gumi, look at me," Sonika ordered._

 _Not wanting to disobey, Gumi tore her eyes from her lap and looked at the woman before her. Sonika didn't pull back but instead remained so close that all Gumi had to do was close the distance to fulfill her wish._

 _"I'm sorry," Gumi whispered._

 _"Why?" Sonika smiled. "You know, I've been waiting for you to ask."_

 _Before Gumi could comprehend what was happening, Sonika lurched forward and pressed her lips against Gumi's. Shock and then joy surged through Gumi's veins. This was her first kiss, and it was with someone she really, really liked. Her heart raced, blood rushed behind her ears, and had she not been sitting, her knees would have given out. Sonika tasted like strawberries, and her lips were too soft to be possible._

 _Pulling away, Sonika asked, "Have I gotten you to stay now?"_

 _"Absolutely," Gumi answered, breathless._

 _"Good." Sonika kissed Gumi on the lips again, though this time the kiss was quick. "That one was for me. Now let's go. We don't want to keep the others waiting."_

 _Taking her hand in hers, Sonika lead Gumi out of the kitchen and back to the party. Gumi could not help but smile like an idiot as butterflies danced in her stomach. No matter how it ended, the night had already become the best one in Gumi's entire life, and she would always cherish it._

Wiping the tears away before they could fall from her eyes, Gumi went on to say, "We became an item after that. I couldn't believe it: the woman I had spent nearly a year admiring and trying to hold back my crush on had feelings for me as well. It took me over a month of talking on the phone with her every night to realize that this wasn't a dream and that Sonika wanted to be with me just as much as I wanted to be with her. Being girls didn't stop us, and that was something I really loved."

"A lovely story, I admit," the speaker replied, "but I don't think things really worked out if this event started the domino effect which resulted in your being here tonight."

Gumi leaned against the back of the booth and closed her eyes. "I guess you don't have to be a detective to figure that much out."

"So what happened?"

Allowing a single tear to slip through, Gumi simply replied, "Everything changed before I knew what was happening."

 _The next year, Sonika's parents lived up to their promise to throw their daughter an amazing graduation party. They even held honor for Gumi as she had spent the past year as Sonika's girlfriend. To Gumi, she felt as if she had finally been completely accepted by the people she called friends and by the family who chose to have her as a part._

 _"Now that I've got the money as a graduation gift and the job to support this dream," Sonika had told Gumi that night as she slowly unbuttoned her girlfriend's baby blue sleeveless top, "we can get our own place. Wouldn't that be nice? Just you and me in our own little house."_

 _"A house?" Gumi stepped back, not wanting to interrupt Sonika's move towards an intercourse but knowing that they both needed to be level-headed if they were to have this conversation. "Why not an apartment, Sonika? I can help pay for an apartment with my part-time job, but definitely not a house."_

 _"Did I not just say that I have the money?" Sonika crossed her arms and sat on top of the desk parallel to the bed. "Gumi, of course you're going to help pay and all - I know you wouldn't want to be a freeloader or anything - but don't worry about payments being equal. I don't mind carrying most of the weight when I know I can afford it."_

 _Gumi shook her head. "Still, I wouldn't be able to help much. Sonika, I'm still taking classes and can't even afford a car to drive to and from college."_

 _"Take online classes. Problem solved."_

 _"I don't know. . . ."_

 _"Honey," Sonika locked eyes with Gumi, "I love you and I want to live with you. Can't you say the same?"_

 _"Of course, Sonika, but-"_

 _"Then don't let there be a 'but.'" Sonika rose from the desk and again stood in front of Gumi. Her fingers continued their work of unbuttoning Gumi's shirt. "I want to spend all of my down time with you. I want to come home from work to find you there to greet me with a smile on your face. Pay me back when you have the money if you want to, but I don't care about that at all. The money means nothing to me; you do. I want you. Please don't deny me that."_

 _Biting her lower lip, Gumi allowed Sonika's words to sink in. To live with Sonika and to spend every night in her arms was something Gumi dared not dream to imagine, but now that Sonika was pleading for Gumi to let this happen, Gumi could not find it within herself to deny her girlfriend this wish. The only person holding Gumi back was herself._

 _"I can't say 'no' to you," Gumi finally replied, and Sonika responded by kissing Gumi before pushing her girlfriend onto the fluffy mattress._

 _Sonika found and bought a home by the next month. It was larger than Gumi expected, but she understood that by Sonika's perspective, this was the quant little house she had in mind. It was one of those brick homes in those quiet suburban neighborhoods that reminded Gumi of the locations of family sitcoms. The landscape was beautiful with the dark green grass and the smell of pine from the trees in the backyard. Gumi closed her eyes and let the strong scent fill up her lungs as the warm sunlight sank into her bones and the songs of birds echoed in her ears. To live with her beautiful lover Sonika made Gumi grateful for the perfection of her life._

 _"Don't just stand there," Sonika said as she playfully bumped shoulders with her girlfriend. "Help me unload, why don't you? Half of this stuff is yours, remember?"_

 _"Sorry, Sonika," Gumi apologized as she picked up the first box she found inside Sonika's convertible. "I have to give it to you, this place is beautiful."_

 _"Picture perfect, right?" Sonika, Gumi following behind, sat her box on the dining table that had been brought in the day before. "Just like us."_

 _The comment made Gumi smile, but that feeling was lost when she caught her ankle on the leg of the nightstand by the entrance and came hurling towards the floor. In order to ease her fall, Gumi threw the box out of the way so that she could catch herself. The box tumbled into the kitchen with a crash, but Gumi was able to use her arms to keep her nose from smacking the tile floors. Gumi exhaled in relief, but Sonika cried in distraught._

 _"I'm okay," Gumi said, but when she looked in Sonika's direction, she found Sonika to be more concerned over the contents of the box than Gumi._

 _"Didn't you see that the box says fragile?!" Sonika cried as she tore the cardboard apart._

 _Gumi's heart sank. "Was there anything important in there?"_

 _"Oh, just the teapot my Grandmother bought for me from China before she passed!" Sonika spat as she dug through the paper for her prized possession. Her demeanor went stone still and her eyes glazed over when she found the remains. Slowly, Sonika pulled out piece by piece of the once beautifully designed teapot._

 _"Oh my God, Sonika, I'm so sorry." Gumi felt tears sting her eyes. She knew how much the pot meant to her girlfriend, and now Gumi had to live with the guilt of breaking such a precious item._

 _"Why would you throw this?!" Sonika demanded, her stone features replaced with fiery ones. Her eyes narrowed, her nostrils flared, and a vein bulged on her forehead. "Why didn't you be more careful with this?! You're such a klutz, Gumi! A stupid, neglectful klutz!"_

 _"I'm so sorry," Gumi repeated, crying now from the shame she felt. She wanted to go back in time and choose a different box to carry, to save the contents of the box over herself. If it would not result in Sonika being this angry at her, Gumi would have done anything._

 _"Too bad sorries won't fix this." With that said, Sonika put the pieces back into the box, rose to her feet, and carried the box with her as she stalked upstairs, leaving Gumi to comfort herself over the horrid turn of events._

"I didn't think much of it at the time," Gumi admitted as she swirled around the coffee inside its mug. "Sonika always had a short temper. Yuma got on her bad side a lot, and she blew up on him every time, but at the end of the day she still hung around."

"That's no excuse to value a teapot over your partner, no matter how valuable that teapot was to you," the person sitting behind Gumi replied.

"But I can't blame Sonika for being mad," Gumi said. "So her first concern was the teapot her grandmother bought for her instead of me. She wasn't wrong; I am the one who broke it."

"People are far more important than possessions." Even without seeing the speaker, Gumi knew that the person was shaking their head. "How long did you put up with this?"

"That depends, I guess. Sonika and I have known each other for five years, been together for four years, but three of them were spent living together. She always had instances where she would blow up on me, but she never ceased to apologize. Only now that I think about it, things got progressively worse after that."

"How so?"

"Started small. First I took online classes and got my degree that way, which really wasn't a big deal except I missed hanging out with my friends. When I graduated, Sonika talked me into working at home since I was already so used to not leaving the house. Naturally this isolation caused all of my friends to leave me, but I didn't really care because I had Sonika. Not that this made everything perfect. She did have some problems with me that only became an issue when we started living together."

"What did you do?"

"The only thing I thought I could do." Gumi stabbed at her scrambled eggs, trying to eat something but not having the stomach for it. "I asked her what I needed to do to make everything easier for her, and she gave me a list of ways I could improve."

"You changed a lot for this woman, didn't you?"

"I did whatever would make Sonika happy. In the end it meant leaving behind all that I used to be, but I did it because I wanted her to stay with me."

"Did she ever change for you?" the speaker asked. "Tell me you weren't the only one making sacrifices."

"She become what I needed for my sanity," Gumi answered, "but I do wonder what she intended for me to feel when she spoke her words."

"Why did you stay with her for so long if she hurt you so much?"

"Same reason most people stay with the ones who hurt them." Gumi stared at the mug of coffee as if the inanimate object knew her heart better than she did. "They love these people so much that when the ones they love hurt them, these people think they did something to deserve it and really everything is their fault. When Sonika was mad or upset, I did something to make her feel that way. It was always my fault."

 _Tangled in sheets and skin, Gumi stared into the eyes of her lover for four years that day. Sonika met Gumi's gaze, and she smiled at her companion. With gradual movements, Sonika dragged the back of her fingers across Gumi's cheek._

 _"Who else would love you but me?" she began softly, her words almost as husky as they were quiet. "You have no friend in the world, and even your mother, your only family who cared about you, is gone. Your own father wanted nothing to do with you, that's how useless you are. There isn't a soul in this universe who loves you except myself. Without me, you'd have nobody."_

 _"That's not true," Gumi whispered, but she knew there was no honesty in her words. She was friendless, and none of her relatives spoke to Gumi at her mother's funeral. No one save Sonika comforted Gumi when her mother died in an accident six months ago. Without Sonika, Gumi really would be alone in the truest sense._

 _"You're weak and pathetic," Sonika went on to say, ignoring Gumi's denial. "Why, you can't even love yourself. You thrive on the approval of others, and you cling to me to be the one to love you enough for the both of us. There's nothing you can do on your own."_

 _Gumi blinked, causing a tear from each eye to escape. "Please, stop."_

 _"But I'm not telling you something that isn't true." Sonika wiped away both of Gumi's tears. "I'm all you have, you stupid girl. Nobody else could ever want you. Is it wrong for me to make sure you haven't forgotten?"_

How can I forget when you remind me of how loathsome I am every time we have sex? _was what Gumi wanted to say, but the words were caught unspoken in her throat._ You have taken something I once cherished as a beautiful moment between us and turned it into something I dread every time you start undressing me.

 _The next day, while Sonika was at work, Gumi did something she had never thought about doing before: she snuck out of the house. Gumi almost couldn't believe she had to sneak out of her own home, for Sonika made it clear that she didn't want Gumi leaving the house unless Sonika was able to accompany her. "Someone needs to look out for you," she had said. "You have the perfect face for a mug victim."_

 _As a freelance journalist and editor, it wasn't too difficult for Gumi to secure jobs that allowed her to work at home, yet she missed having more than one surrounding on a weekly basis. Sometimes Sonika would take Gumi with her to run errands, but other than that, Gumi felt like a caged bird. Now, running free, Gumi's heart pounded._

What is Sonika going to think if she finds out? What will she say? What will she do? _The thoughts nearly compelled Gumi to turn around and go straight back home. It took a lot of convincing herself that the going out would be good for her and that as long as she was careful to not be caught, Sonika would never know and thus not punish Gumi._

 _Thinking it the safest place to go, Gumi settled down in a Waffle House. Sonika mentioned more than once that she hated breakfast food - she usually warmed up dinners from the night before as her morning meal, and her job managing a retail store was on the other side of town. Relief coursed through Gumi's veins before she realized that one of Sonika's friends could go there for lunch, see Gumi, and tell Sonika about it. Sweat breaking on her forehead, Gumi scanned the restaurant. She had never met any of Sonika's friends; anybody here could see her and inform Sonika what her girlfriend was doing not staying at home like she was supposed to._

 _"What can I do for you, ma'am?"_

 _Gumi flinched but recovered at the sight of the friendly older woman looking at her from across the counter._

 _Forced smile on her face, Gumi ordered, "I'll have a waffle and coffee to drink, black. Please and thank you."_

 _As the food cooked, Gumi watched some of the television on the top corner of the restaurant. Sonika refused to keep a TV in their home, and Gumi didn't care much for it anyway, but she still found it comforting to see the tiny show host with short, curly black hair running across the stage as she greeted the audience._

 _"Here ya go, sweetheart," the woman from before said as she set the plate of food before Gumi._

 _After thanking the cook, Gumi returned her attention to the talk show and watched it as she ate. Mizki, the name of the host, told the crowd about her guest speaker for that day: a woman, named Prima, who had escaped the abuse from her husband nine months ago and had recently recovered as much as a person could within that time._

 _"I didn't think we'd end up this way," Prima said fifteen minutes into the interview as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "He was so sweet and charming those first few weeks. Next thing I knew, he was pressuring me to marry him. I didn't think much of it, just thought he really loved me and wanted to start a family with me, y'know?_

 _"Things slowly changed after that. He convinced me to cut ties with my family because he found them to be annoying. When I got pregnant, he talked me into quitting my job right away and prepare to be a stay-at-home mom. His words were so persuasive, I listened without arguing. Then next thing I knew, he didn't want me to leave the house, like, at all. At first it was to protect the baby, but after she was born the reason became that he simply didn't want me leaving home, not even to get groceries."_

 _The waffle remained half eaten, for Gumi found the woman to be so relatable that Gumi couldn't turn her focus away from the television. It was when Prima told the audience how her husband hit her for the first time and said that it was her fault did Gumi snap back into reality._

This isn't me! _she cried inside her head._ That isn't Sonika, either. She's just looking out for me and protecting me. There's no way she's abusive! _When she realized what she had thought, Gumi froze. She had been abused both by her father and uncles, but none of them were who she associated with her reason of relating to Prima so much. Sonika was._

 _As if she could hear what Gumi was thinking, Mizki turned to the camera and gave a list of abusive traits in a partner. Though she tried to convince herself that she was making things up, Gumi still found some items on the list that lined up with Sonika too well - verbally abusive, controlling, critical, manipulative, always claiming that it's their partner's fault. Mizki even felt the need to add, "Just because your partner isn't hitting you does not mean they aren't abusing you. Emotional and mental abuse is still abuse." The information becoming too much to bear, Gumi fled the restaurant, too upset to remember to pay for her half eaten waffle and mostly finished coffee._

Gumi let her words drift in the air. Silence followed. Then, "I don't know what to say to that. I'd say 'I'm sorry,' but we all know that those are the most useless words in the English language."

"It's just how it is." Gumi sighed. It worried her how much she was sighing as she talked to this friendly stranger. "Don't worry about it; I still don't know what to say concerning all this. I mean, what do you say when you begin to believe that your partner is an abuser, even if not as violently as other? Of course abuse is still abuse, but nobody wants to admit to being a victim."

"Is that why you're here? You started to see the truth and made a break for it?"

Laughing without humor, Gumi said, "No. As much as I'm scared of Sonika, I still love her. Even more insane, I believe she loves me, too, just in her own crazy way. So of course I thought I would give her a chance, prove to myself that this is wrong and that she wasn't who I feared her to be."

"She convinced you of what you didn't want to believe. That's what happened, isn't it."

"I may not want to admit it, especially to myself, but that's exactly what happened."

 _Dinner that night dragged by with a crashing weight sitting on Gumi's shoulders. All throughout the meal Gumi expected Sonika to mention Gumi's sneaking out of the house or say something about the horrid thoughts Gumi had about her. Gumi knew she failed to hide her anxiety, for Sonika had asked multiple times if Gumi was all right._

 _"I'm fine," Gumi would always answer, and Sonika would leave it there._

 _"Are you sure you're feeling okay?" Sonika asked afterwards as Gumi washed the dishes. "Gumi, you've gone totally zombie on me. What happened?"_

 _"Just had a rough day," Gumi answered as she set the last of the plates on the rack to dry. She turned to find Sonika staring at her, doubt reflected in her green eyes. Unknown that words were coming out of her mouth, Gumi bluntly said, "I'm stronger than you will ever give me credit for."_

 _Sonika tilted her head to the side. "I'm sorry. Come again?"_

 _Tempted to say that she had said nothing, Gumi forced her shoulders back and repeated, "I'm stronger than you will ever give me credit for."_

 _Cracking her signature mischievous grin, Sonika said, "You humor me, Gumi. You really do."_

 _"I'm serious, Sonika. I'm a good person."_

 _Ever so slowly, Sonika approached Gumi. She stopped so close in front of her girlfriend that their toes were touching. Sonika leant forward to the point her cheek brushed against Gumi's and whispered words that stabbed like hot blades despite how quietly they were spoken._

 _"When I met you, Gumi, you were nothing. You were a worthless, pathetic girl who nobody loved. You didn't even love yourself, and to this day you still don't. I could have had any man or girl that I wanted, but I chose you. Of all people, I singled you out and made something of nothing. I still keep you from such an empty existence. Without me to love you, there would be nothing left for you to do except whither away and die like the lonely, unloved girl you deserve to be. That, my precious one, is not strength."_

 _The words Sonika spoke struck Gumi in the heart. In that moment, Gumi realized everything at once. As hurtful as the words were, Sonika was right about Gumi. Nothing she said was a lie. However, that gave Sonika no right to make Gumi feel so inadequate. Love was supposed to build up, not tear down. Sonika should have encouraged Gumi to be more confident in herself and to try new things, but she did nothing of the sort. All Sonika did was use Gumi's faults against her to manipulate her to be whomever Sonika wanted her to be. The truth alone brought tears to Gumi's eyes._

 _"I'm a good person," she whispered. "I am not going to be scared anymore. I am strong. I am fearless. I don't need you, Sonika. You can't hurt me."_

 _Something Gumi had never seen before flashed in Sonika's eyes. Before Gumi could process what was happening, Sonika reached out and struck Gumi across the face. Gumi, dumbstruck, clutched her stinging cheek with both hands. The tears were pouring now, and disbelief created a void in her heart. She looked at Sonika, but her girlfriend appeared neither regretful nor apologetic._

 _"I wouldn't say that I can't hurt you, Gumi," she said. "Don't push me like that. I promise to never hit you again, but only if you don't make me do it. I hope you learned your lesson."_

 _Mouth open, Gumi watched as Sonika retreated without another word. Hands still protecting her throbbing cheek, Gumi knew what she had to do._ I learned my lesson, all right. I don't like it, but I now know what I have to do.

 _While Sonika showered, Gumi packed and hid her bags. That night, Gumi waited for her chance to escape. It had been hours since the body beside her took up a slow, rhythmic breathing pattern, yet Gumi could feel her own heart racing inside of her small framed chest. She held her breath in a vain attempt to hide her panting. Now was the time. If she didn't leave at this moment, she would be forever trapped in this burning world._

 _Many times she slipped from under the sheets to use the bathroom or get a glass of water, and never once had leaving the bed been an issue. Except this time simply pulling back the covers was threatening. Sitting upright intensified the chest crushing anxiety. The feel of soft carpet under her feet was a crime Gumi could not be caught committing. As if to escape a demon chasing after her, Gumi stood up and fled from the bedroom._

 _Locking herself in the bathroom, Gumi observed herself in the mirror. Tangled, unkempt forest green hair, wide and wild clover eyes, and cheeks red and cold and sweaty from the building fear. No time to wash up or fix her hair. By the time Sonika awoke, Gumi needed to be long gone._

 _Gumi pulled an oversized pair of light blue jeans and a small black T-shirt from the dirty hamper, changed from her pajamas into the ripe clothes, and snuck out of the room in order to descend down the stairs. Bags and key in hand, Gumi was three steps out the door before she stopped, fingers just grazing the doorknob. She changed her mind, but not about leaving. She changed her mind about leaving without a word._

 _Her heart rammed against her ribcage as Gumi stalked to the kitchen, picked up a pen, and wrote her final goodbye on the notepad hung on the fridge. Five words. That's all Gumi wrote; it was all that she needed._

 **I did this for me.**

 _The mission accomplished, the greenette walked out of the home, locked the door as quietly as possible, and ran from the building. Inside slept a monster, and she had no plans to be there when Sonika woke up. Never again would Gumi be victimized, yet the thought broke her far more than it relieved her._

"And that's how I ended up here," Gumi explained as she wiped her tired eyes. "Now I board a bus to God knows where and begin a new life."

"How do you plan on doing that, if I may ask?" Gumi's companion said.

Gumi chewed on her lower lip. "Well technically I still have a job, but I'll need to buy a laptop and find a decent Internet connection in order to keep it. As for recovery . . . I confess that talking to you has helped me a lot. I didn't realize how terrible the relationship I had with Sonika was until I spoke the events aloud and understood how they might have sounded to somebody who didn't live it. Is that how it is? When you're the one experiencing something horrible, it's not really as big a deal as it should be? Either way, I think I might join group therapy or something, but I'm not sure. I guess I'll figure all this out as I go along."

"Earlier you said you chose to be a lesbian because girls weren't like guys," the speaker then said. "Since you have been proven that girls can be just as bad as guys, where does that leave you. Are you still a lesbian?"

Despite herself, Gumi laughed. It was a soft, short laugh, but the most genuine one she had in a long time. "I did say that I don't regret my choice and still stand by it, but now I don't know. I'm not magically straight now, but Sonika wasn't wrong. I don't love myself. For so long I had somebody else love me for me, but that's not how it should go. I need to learn to love myself before I can let others love me." Gumi sighed. "I know it won't be easy, but this is what I need to do. Yeah, I don't want to grow old alone or anything. It will be ages before I can get over Sonika, assuming I ever do. Nonetheless, I need to focus on me, and when I'm ready, I'll find love again. I want to keep my options open. Why limit myself?"

"For someone who just broke free from a relationship such as yours, you're quite certain of what you need to do," the person noted.

Gumi smiled. "I didn't really think any of this through. I only left Sonika tonight because if I knew if I waited until later to think it over, I never would have left. She was everything I needed for my sanity, but she was also everything I needed to set me free. You know, I feel as if I broke the strings that held me hostage. I feel myself falling, and I may shatter upon hitting the ground; but if the price is one day I can breathe again without fear, would it really matter?" Before her companion could say anything, Gumi looked at the clock hanging above the counter. "I need to go. My bus leaves in ten minutes."

"I have to say, stranger, I'm going to miss you," the person said. "It's as if this hour together had created a connection I don't want to break."

"I think I'll miss you, too, which is odd because I know nothing about you," Gumi said. "I was so busy talking about myself that I didn't think to ask for your name."

"Don't worry, I don't know your name, either." The speaker went quiet, as if thinking, and then said, "Would you like to properly meet before we part ways?"

Heart dropping to her stomach, Gumi wondered if such would be a good idea. She wanted to meet the one who listened so intently to her and offered sympathy, but at the same time Gumi feared the introduction. Knowing that she would live to regret it if she said "no," Gumi replied, "I would like that."

There was no response. Gumi heard the person stand up from the booth and walk to the other side. Breath catching in her throat, Gumi prepared herself to see her companion of the past hour. She was not prepared to see what she saw.

It was a woman with dark skin and purple hair that shifted to blue as it reached the ends. Her blue eyes were like crystals, and her smile was sweet and compassionate where Sonika's had been confident and sexy. The woman before Gumi was gorgeous, so much so that Gumi felt herself blush against her will.

Extending a hand, the woman introduced herself. "I'm Merli."

Bashful, Gumi accepted the hand. "Gumi."

Merli dropped the handshake, turned back to her booth, and picked up her purse. She then pulled out a pen and began to scribble on a napkin. "Here," she handed Gumi the item, "this is my number. I know you said that you need to learn to love yourself, but I hope you don't plan to do this on your own. If you ever need a friend, don't be afraid to call."

Gumi took the napkin and studied the number. "Thank you," she said, unsure why she spoke the words.

"Anytime." Merli slung her purse over her shoulder, but not before throwing a few dollar bills on the table at which she sat. "I hope when you're ready, we can meet again."

The corners of her lips pulling up, Gumi replied, "That would be nice, Merli."

"Goodbye, Gumi. I hope to see you again one day."

Without a word, Gumi waved and watched as Merli left the diner. She then studied the number for a second time before carefully folding the napkin and tucking it into her pants pocket. "Regardless of all of this," she whispered to herself as she, too, left money on the table, "I don't regret anything."

Taking a deep breath, Gumi picked up her bags and made her way to the bus station. She didn't know where she was going, but it didn't matter. Soon Sonika will wake up to find Gumi gone and unreachable, and as much as Gumi's heart broke for Sonika, she knew it would be for the best. A final, single tear rolled down Gumi's cheek for her ex-girlfriend. Life was short, and Gumi wanted to live it without being held back. The road before her will be a crazy rollercoaster with twists and turns and ups and downs, but she was more ready than she thought she would ever be to ride it.


End file.
